Blue Boy
by Bertha Darling
Summary: It's Easter. The Avengers are celebrating. The Soldier does not understand why. (Captain America: The Winter Soldier spoilers)


**Title: **Blue Boy

**Characters:** James Barnes/Winter Soldier, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Thor, Tony Stark, Sam Wilson, Bruce Banner (briefly)

**Word Count: **2343

**Warnings: **None, unless anyone has a fear of Easter Eggs.

**Summary: **It's Easter. The Avengers are celebrating. The Soldier does not understand why.

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Just playing. Not for profit.

**A/N: **This started out as a tiny idea that came around Easter time. I started writing it, then chickened out, finished it, chickened out again, started editing, got bored (chickened...) and finally decided to finish it and post it. It was supposed to be a baby ficlet, but then it turned into a four page monster. I don't really know how.  
And I know Easter has passed, but everyone loves colouring Easter eggs, right?

* * *

The Soldier understood colours. He understood that flowers were different colours. He understood that people liked to wear different colours. He understood that people liked seeing colours around them.

What he did not understand was why anyone would want to put colours on eggs.

"Because it's Easter!" the man with a loud voice had burst out when questioned by the arrow man. "Everyone knows you've got to have coloured eggs at Easter." The Soldier didn't understand why there were eggs at Easter either. Or Easter at all.

Steve had tried to explain about rabbits and chocolate and Good Fridays that didn't sound any different from other Fridays, but at the Soldier's blank look Steve had sighed and patted his human shoulder. "Just go with what Tony has planned. It'll be fun, okay?" The Soldier had nodded, even though 'fun' was not something the Soldier understood. The Soldier thought that Barnes would understand 'fun', but he was not Barnes. Not all of him. Fun was not something that the Soldier could complete island finish, like a mission. It seemed a waste of energy and resources. But the Soldier had not said those things out loud. He had learned Steve would get quiet if the Soldier voiced those type of thoughts.

And so the Soldier had found himself wearing a large sweater, and sitting in the kitchen watching as the arrow man attempted to throw and catch multiple eggs at once while the others argued whether brown or white eggs were better for dying. The Soldier did not care. Colours were colours.

Their voices were getting louder and filling up the room. Before Steve, noise had not bothered the Soldier. He had had missions, a focus. Now there was nothing and the noise hurt. The Soldier had always known he was empty and before Steve it had not mattered, but now he didn't like being reminded. Steve had told him he would get used to the noise, that it would become normal. The Soldier thought he should stay in his room until then. The noise made him nervous and people didn't seem to like him even when he was calm. But Steve had said it would only get better if he stayed out. Besides, the Soldier found he didn't like the look on Steve's face when the Soldier tried to stay away. The noise hurt, but the look in Steve's eyes hurt more.

"Cap!" The man whose wings the Soldier had torn off, Steve had said he his name was Sam, called to Steve. "White eggs or brown?"

"Both. Now are we going to get started?" The man named Sam laughed first, then everyone else in the room, even the red haired lady. She didn't usually laugh, but she did now. The Soldier did not understand what was funny, but he tried to smile for Steve. It didn't feel right. It felt tight and thin on his face, but Steve smiled back. "Are we ready?" he asked.

Across the table the golden haired man answered. "Yes! I have heard about this Midgardian custom and should like to try it myself. Lady Darcy has told me much of your holidays." His teeth flashing in a grin. Every word he spoke sounded like a smile. Steve had said he was Thor, the god of thunder. The part of him that sometimes felt like Barnes thought that the smiling god should be the god of sunshine, not thunder. The Soldier ignored that thought. He did not like when Barnes intruded.

"Gentlemen, lady, and Clint." The man with a loud voice was waving his hands in the air and everybody turned to him, except the arrow man who was still tossing his eggs in the air.

"Don't make me drop these, Tony."

The man with a loud voice rolled his eyes. The red haired lady reached out and snatched the three eggs out of the air with quick precise motions. The arrow man blinked while she cocked her head to the side. She was smiling, but it was a smaller sort of smile. Her smiles looked natural even if they were fewer than the golden god, who laughed again. The Soldier still did not understand what was funny.

"As I was saying," The man with a loud voice dropped a white egg into the bowl of dye nearest to him. "Easter has begun." And suddenly everybody was claiming eggs and different coloured bowls. The smiling god burst out loudly as each new egg came out. A collection of coloured eggs grew in the middle of the table. The Soldier stayed still. He didn't know what to do and the noise was hurting his head. He clenched both hands and tried to find something to focus on.

The arrow man had resumed his egg tossing. The Soldier watched as the now coloured eggs travelled up in the air in a continuing pattern. "It's called juggling." The arrow man had noticed him. The eggs didn't stop their rotations. "Want to try?" The Soldier shook his head and the arrow man turned back to the eggs. The Soldier couldn't try. He would break the eggs.

The noise was getting louder. The Soldier stayed where he was at the end of the table, as far away from the rest of them as he could. None of them were looking at him. It would be easy to leave now. Steve was showing the smiling god how to mix colours on his egg. He would not notice if the Soldier left. No one would notice.

"Hey War Amps Champ!" The Soldier's hand snapped up in reflex and caught the white egg thrown at him. The man with a loud voice gestured from across the table. 'Try the blue." The Soldier reached out to stop the bowl sliding towards him, keeping his eyes on the other man. "It's not going to blow up in your face." The man laughed and the Soldier again did not understand why. Then Steve was by his side.

"Here." Steve pulled the bowl closer and explained how the dying was done. The Soldier released the egg into the bowl. It made a tiny splash. Steve smiled at him and the Soldier decided that the noise wasn't so bad when Steve was with him. Steve seemed to understand this because even though he joined back into the chatter around the table he stayed right beside the Soldier.

The arrow man had put down his colourful eggs and was arguing with the man with a loud voice. The smiling god was focused on the egg he was decorating and the man named Sam was talking with the other quiet man who Steve had said was a doctor. The red haired woman was laughing at something Steve had said. The Soldier looked down at the egg in the blue dye. He poked at it with his human hand and it rolled. His fingertip came away blue. The Soldier frowned at it.

It hit him hard and fast then was gone again. He had done this before. Not this place, not this time, but had dyed eggs before. The feeling fled, not quite a memory; more of an impression. He couldn't catch it. His hand came down quick and sudden. The bowl was in the air before the Soldier realized he had moved. It clattered on the table and the egg rolled and dropped onto the floor. The Soldier blinked as blue water dripped off his face. The feeling was gone.

The room was quiet and tense. The Soldier almost wanted the noise to be back. He wanted the distraction, the pain. The arrow man and the red haired woman had stood up. The smiling god was no longer smiling and his hand had tightened around his hammer's handle. They were all the looking at him. Everyone was frozen. And Steve. Steve's eyes were wide. Steve was worried. The Soldier realized he did not want Steve to worry. But he didn't know what to do. They were waiting for the Soldier to make a move. Steve stared at him.

The Soldier dropped his head. "Sorry." The word was quiet.

The tension left Steve's eyes. He grabbed the Soldier's metal shoulder. "That's okay. It's okay, Buck."

The Soldier did not know how to react to that name, so he just nodded his head.

The rest of the room relaxed. The arrow man and the red haired lady looked at each other and sat back down, though they stayed ready.

"You're supposed to colour the eggs, not your face!" The man with a loud voice laughed and tossed two clothes at Steve. He handed one to the Soldier and used the other to clean up the spilled blue water.

The Soldier wiped off the dye. It left blue marks on the cloth. He put the cloth down on the table. The red haired lady was standing in front of him. She held out the blue egg. "You dropped this." The Soldier nodded and took the egg. She turned away and left him looking at his hand.

"Are you alright?" The Soldier continued to stared at the egg. Steve grabbed his shoulder again. "Bucky?"

The Soldier responded more to the tone than to the name. "I've done this." He looked up at Steve. "I've done this before."

Steve's eyes widened. "You're remembering?"

He hid from Steve's face. "I don't know." The blue egg turned in his hand. Steve would be disappointed, but he couldn't get the feeling back. "I don't know." The second one was a whisper.

Steve leaned back against the table. "That's okay." The Soldier looked at him again. He was smiling a sad sort of smile. The Soldier did not understand why. He had failed. HYDRA had punished failure. Failure was not an outcome that would be accepted. The Soldier had learned not to fail. Steve was different. Steve would not punish failure. Steve would be upset, but failure was accepted with a quiet "That's okay, Buck." The Soldier found he did not want to fail Steve even without the threat of punishment. The Soldier tightened his grip on the blue egg and tried harder.

"Excuse me. Sorry. Need that." The arrow man grabbed the egg from the Soldier's hand and it was in the air with five others before he realized it was gone. The Soldier's hand curled around where the egg had been, but any chance of finding the feeling again was gone. The Soldier did not know what he was supposed to do.

Steve was watching the arrow man juggle the eggs. He had added another one. The Soldier knew exactly which one he had coloured. He watched it go up and around in the air. The arrow man was laughing. The red haired lady was tossing him another egg and the Soldier realized he wanted the blue egg back. It was a sudden impulse and he felt it was something Barnes would do, but it felt similar to the memory feeling he had had before. And the Soldier realized it was something he also wanted to do. So he did.

The arrow man's eyes were on the incoming egg and as he stepped closer to the table the Soldier reached out his foot. The arrow man tripped and fell. The Soldier saw the blue egg and grabbed it out of the air. The others hit the ground.

Steve snorted a laugh beside him. The rest of the group behind them were not as quiet.

The arrow man sat up on the floor. "What was that for?"

The Soldier kept his face free of emotion and held up the blue egg. "You took my egg."

The laughter got louder. It felt good. The smiling god was the loudest. But none of it compared to Steve. Steve who was fully laughing now and not trying to hide it. Steve who has reaching out to hold the Soldier metal shoulder so that he would not fall. Steve who was happy and not worried like he usually was. Steve who the Soldier had made laugh. Not Barnes but the Soldier.

The arrow man stood back up, looked at everyone in the room, then smiled at the Soldier. "Nice play there Barnes." The Soldier tried a smile in response and it did not feel as strange as before.

Steve was looking at the Soldier the way the Soldier knew he must have looked at Barnes. It was strange, but not uncomfortable. The Soldier held the egg tighter and tried a smile for him. Steve's arm moved to fully wrap around the Soldier's shoulders. "I told you it would be fine." The Soldier felt sure that Barnes would have answered something in response, but the Soldier did not know what to say, so he nodded and made sure his cold shoulder didn't touch Steve's skin. He was not Barnes. He was the Soldier. Steve did not seem to expect anything more.

"You have made a joke, Warrior of Winter!" The smiling god slapped the Soldier's back from behind, making it sound like it was a great achievement. Steve laughed again and the Soldier decided it was.

The eggs had all been picked up off the ground by the quiet doctor and placed back in their pile, except the blue egg the Soldier held. The loud man was complaining about the eggs being cracked, but the red haired lady said something in response that made everybody laugh again. The noise came back and the Soldier found he almost enjoyed this version of it. This noise didn't make him feel empty. It seemed to fill him.

"You liked blue a lot." Steve told the Soldier after the night was over and everyone was back in their rooms. Steve had left him in his, but not before making sure he was functional, or 'fine'. Barnes would have called it coddling, but the Soldier thought he liked it. He looked at the egg sitting beside the bed and decided that he still liked blue, even if he didn't completely understand why.


End file.
